Sorry for the hiatus. I was undergoing a metamorphosis the past few months where I was trying to find myself. Something weird happened where I started seeing things differently from a different perspective. I think it has to do with the changes I made myself go through — Some of it chemical and some of it as a result of adding things to my regimen.
Over the past few months, I noticed I was increasingly socially reclusive and anxious. There were a few reasons why these things reoccurred in me, as it has history that shall remain private, and it was starting to become too much to handle on my own. I needed to make changes because slowly over time, the anxieties were getting worse and was creating havoc. I decided to see a therapist or life coach, and I decided to see a psychiatrist to diagnose whatever it was I had officially. I saw the psychiatrist first.
I did all of this online because I had time management problems which were getting worse due to my anxiety. I spoke with the psychiatrist via telemetry (or PC App), and while he didn’t outrightly diagnose me with a particular issue, he gave me a drug to try called Wellbutrin. According to him, Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant or mood-affective drug that helps smokers get rid of their habits by naturalizing chemicals in the body. He gave me a low dosage at first and I was to report back within 3 weeks to see if they were helping. The first day I took it, I noticed a subtle change, and then over the course of weeks, I noticed even more changes. In short, I was becoming happier and more zen, but I was also becoming more content and lazier as a result. In combination with my usage of Provigil and Xanx (both off script), I was becoming somewhat productive, but mostly lazy. It was a stark contrast to when I was solely using Provigil (and a small nibble of Xanax to calm the nerves); I was at least 50% more productive on those two than when I was on all three: Provigil, Xanax and Wellbutrin.
Provigil + Small Amts Xanax:
Caused me to be more manic, have more burnout due to frying Central Nervous System (as Provigil is a CNS stimulant), and more recuperation time as a result every few days or so. Because of how Provigil creates such high output, it naturally caused me to compoundingly turn down volume on days I was burnt out or when my body developed tolerance. Along with the Xanax, a depressant, and high consumption of coffee to combat the ongoing fatigue, I brought these symptoms to a higher degree when I enjoined them with Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin + Provigil + Small Amts Xanax:
Caused me to be happier and normal. As I kept taking the Wellbutrin consistently, I noticed a positive change in mood with increasing clarity, cognizance, and reality-checks of who I was as a person. I started seeing myself clearly like a wool was lifted off of my eyes. I think that combined with the fatiguing-yet-productive effects of Provigil; Coffee; and Xanax, caused less productivity but more happiness. It was also kind of placebo-y where these changes were drastic from the onset. It was as if when I added in the Wellbutrin, my productivity immediately decreased that day. Prior to that, I was having manic self-chastising talk with the general amount of high-business productivity. But when I added in Wellbutrin, I felt more clear-headed and happy, while less self-loathing; but with a drastic 60% cut in productivity. This sustained for a few months while I was on Wellbutrin. When I had my recheck with the doctor, he upped my dosage to 350mg from 150mg. I noticed that my body was going through drastic neurological and chemical changes for the better. My mood was constantly better; I was better at dealing with emotions, gaining more energy, and maturing emotionally and cognizantly. But the problem was I was having bottlenecks with productivity. While I had less manic episodes with higher amounts of happiness while on all 3 drugs, I lost my work ethic.
First Therapy Work In 10 years & First-time Being Life-Coached
Next I got myself a psycho-therapist who also did life coaching. Apparently there is a huge difference between the two and I didn’t really grasp that reality until I met her. Really terrible life coach and therapist that one FYI. Her name was Babita Spinelli, based out of New York, and there were more than a few things that she did wrong; and it was an expensive lesson for sure.
There is just too many things to list about what went wrong during my therapy session with her and I for sure am going to talk about it on my podcast over on Cocoscope because I’m just going to go off topic if I did write about it. Look out for it within a few days or so.
To summarize my grievances with her, I just felt like she was not on top of her shit. Perhaps it was her way of manipulating the situation to her liking. Maybe it was her way of controlling her narrative and gaining some sense of authority over me; as I had seemingly poked at her ego the week prior when I interviewed her asking “what is your ROI for previous and current clients?” I spent $200 for her to do poor work, nonexistent follow up (I had to follow up to ask for action materials she was promising me after our session), and the kicker was that I was better at analyzing human beings than her. In fact, I noticed her trying to do some NLP esque things on me, which I felt was really manipulative and in poor taste. For example she would nod her head in agreement to subtly make me mirror her body language and say “yes” to her suggestions. For example, (nods head up and down with a fake-ass smile) -> “Wouldn’t you agree that you need to have an abundance mindset?” -> Nods her head up and down with a fake-ass smile to coax a mirrored “yes” from me. How would that make anyone feel if someone were to do that to them? Shitty, yes?
I quickly fired her and got myself another online therapist who was much better than her and had pages of positive testimonials to her credit. I also felt a world of a difference when I hired her for therapy work.
Back To the Wellbutrin
I noticed that when I took a few days off of Wellbutrin, and only took Provigil, my manic self-loathing peeked back in a little bit, but my work output increased back to normal “Provigil” levels. I also noticed that due to taking Wellbutrin consistently, my body and mind felt more at peace with each other. I was not as self-loathing and did not project my negativity onto other people as much. Perhaps the Wellbutrin normalized my central nervous system and is attaining homeostasis. I decided that due to the medications having efficacy separate of each other, I definitely have to take a few days off of Provigil and Wellbutrin on different days of the week, and straddle them at times in order to maximize the efficacy of both. The great thing about Wellbutrin is that it is a slow growth. The more I take it, the better I feel about myself and the more aligned I am. In fact today, I had a eureka moment where I had an instant sense of hindsight and foresight. I saw the immaturity of my past actions and calmly came to grips with that realization in a sort of welcoming way. Out with the old and in with the new.
The Rapid Metamorphosis
Currently, I’m seeing a rapid difference in my life as a result of introducing these compounds on top of the compounding effect of seeing a therapist. For the past 5 years I was in a slump career-wise, and I felt myself spiraling down worse each day in terms of social anxiety and debilitating work performance due to the self-loathing self-talk. I see the changes compounding daily as the Wellbutrin begins to take shape and revert my hormones back to equilibrium. Perhaps the years of all-nighters, lack of nutrition, abuse of caffeine as well as Provigil; caused my body to rapidly decline. For once in my life, I feel normal and happy.
P.S. If you wanted to test out the ultimate productivity pill, that I’ve been using since 2016 and which I mentioned on this blog post, head over to my resources page. The only way you can see it is if you pay to unlock it. Sorry folks, it’s my way of risk management. It also helps support this blog to scale up and do more experiments on a wider scale. The end goal for this blog is to help the most amount of people, but in my own way. I’ve always thought differently, and I believe what I’m doing helps ask questions that challenge the status quo. Enough of my soap box. Hope you enjoyed this blog post 🙂 See you later ~dhack